My latest article at developer.com, Portal Federation with WebLogic Portal WRSP: The Basics, shows just how easy.

A hillbilly family was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, ‘Paw, what’s at?’ The father responded, ‘Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, ‘Boy……………..go gitcha momma’.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?’

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’
The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.
‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

‘Don’t you realise I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope,’ said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied, ‘Been married for 48 years, to your sister.’

According to women:
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase and you don’t even have to pack that.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes if you are single and if you are married you don’t have to shop at all it just appears under the tree

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WI FE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do”

WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”

HUSBAND : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”

WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”

WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”

WIFE: —— silence ——

……………

HUSBAND: “Shit.”

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota .”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says “$101,237.65″

The boss says “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing……..”

He said . . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said . . . . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . . That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . . . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female …… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male ….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female …. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male …. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION ( ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female … The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male … Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female …. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male …… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female …. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male …… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE ( flach-u-lens) n.
Female …. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male …… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female …… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male …….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female …. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male … A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn , so if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5 Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed…… skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

House for Sale in MA North Shore
http://cbassociates.idxco.com/idx/2751/details.php?idxID=107&listingID=70648078

A retiree buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should, try artificial insemination.

The new farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself so, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take,and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. “Try again.” he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive the out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

“No,” she says, “but they’re all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.”

http://dev2dev.bea.com/blog/jlannin/archive/2006/10/how_to_speed_up.html

Note: All “real men” answer “C” to every question. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the “C” answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

8. Never mind.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

************************************************************

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

************************************************************

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

************************************************************

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

************************************************************

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there!

************************************************************

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy; (2) Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is your friend; (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

For personal sub-folders, on the Outlook Address Tab, check the box to “Show this folder as an e-mail address book” and define the name of the address book.

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Did you pass, or do you want the bed next to mine?

The FUQ Blog hits the big time with a reference in Peter Laird’s Blog at BEA’s Dev2Dev

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, “Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on t he post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have “urges". That’s why we have Molly The Camel.”

The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I >understand about “urges", so the camel can stay.”

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own “urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the >ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”

No not really, sir… “They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”

Portal technology is one of the most important and innovative fields to both vendors and their customers. While sexy acronyms like AJAX and SOA get far more attention in the headlines, these technologies are most often experienced through the portal applications that expose their benefits to users. That is why BEA, as a both an acknowledged SOA technology leader and a serious contender in the AJAX space, continues to constantly improve and promote their portal products.

While http://dev2dev.bea.com is a technological clearinghouse and playground for all things BEA and J2EE, the portal technologist may want a way to focus just on their broad and deep area. Now there is a place to satisfy the need to keep not only on top of but in front of portal technologies: http://wlp.bea.com.

While the datasheets may satisfy those who pay for the license, technologists need a place to quickly grasp how they can use the product. On the BEA WebLogic Portal site you can find working examples and sample code to do just that.

If your enterprise is planning new features for your existing portal, http://wlp.bea.com is the place to go and find out if the six month development effort you are about to embark on can be reduced with an upcoming release.

There are also links to information on the BEA product site and dev2dev, organized in such a way so that a portal technologist can rapidly find what they are looking for without sifting through hundreds of articles that are closely related but not exactly what they are looking for. Plus links to the related technologies that are part of every portal implementer’s day-to-day needs, such as SSO, SOA and AJAX.

Whether you work with portals now or are involved in one of the many enterprises planning a new portal strategy, this new site will make your life easier faster…like a good portal should.